【1984 Archives】

We Brits984 Archiveseternally grateful for a veritable smorgasbord of inventions the American Empire has brought us. But, there's one invention that our beloved Americans can keep. Because it's a telltale sign their empire is crumbling.

SEE ALSO: Pumpkin Spice Latte? Whatever happened to simple drinks, like my triple foam half-caf chocolateccino

Much like the Roman Empire brought us sewage systems, concrete, and the Julian calendar, the American Empire has brought us credit cards, McDonald's, and Tupperware. But, there's one wretched creation the American Empire has imposed upon the world that is not welcome in the Sceptr'd Isle of Britain—The Pumpkin Spice Latte.

Even with an ocean separating us, I can smell the sickly-sweet stench of America's pumpkin spice cult. You don't just clutch cream-topped lattes infused with the so-called taste of autumn, you're now spritzing your armpits with pumpkin spice, you're spraying it all over your food, and you're even eating pumpkin spice pizza. Pumpkin spice might be a pillar of American society, but, to the outside world, it's just a bit weird.

Ew. Credit: Shutterstock / vm2002

I recall the first time I ever drank a PSL. It was not the nectar of the gods I had been led to believe. It tasted like chemicals and smelled like I'd fallen face-first into a bowl of sugar. Aside from the saccharine sweet assault on the tastebuds, this truly abominable beverage is a portent of doom for the once-great nation that was America. And, I—a discerning, PSL-hating British person—am here to tell you why.

Per British historian Sir John Glubb—who analysed the lifecycle of empires in his essay The Fate of Empires and Search for Survival—an empire usually lasts around 250 years. He added that this lifecycle usually endures for "10 generations, from the early pioneers to the final conspicuous consumers who become a burden on the state."

By my estimate, the American Empire currently stands at 241 years old. So, on the numbers front, things really aren't looking great.

There's more. Glubb stated that there are six ages in the lifespan of an empire, beginning with the age of pioneers, and ending with the age of decadence. This period of decadence, in Glubb's opinion, is the result of "too long a period of wealth and power" and is defined by extreme materialism and frivolity.

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America, I hate to break it to ya, but your esteemed PSLs are the epitome of unabashed decadence. They're not a beverage, they're a circus. They are the Marie Antoinette of refreshments, and we all know what happened to her. So decadent are these creations that people can't wait to Instagram the heck out of their drinks, just to prove to their friends that they're part of the cult.

The end is nigh. Credit: Shutterstock / Julia Sudnitskaya

But, as an outsider, these extravagant concoctions are a harbinger of something rotten in the United States. America has reached Glubb's final age of empires: you are peak decadence. The end is nigh.

If we look to another empire's decline, we may be able to glean a sense of what's happening. Take the Romans, for instance. They didn't have pumpkin spice lattes because, well, they had wine. But, they didhave an empire, and a bloody powerful one at that.

Six years ago, the Guardian'sLarry Elliott called it: he said that America in 2011 was "in an advanced state of cultural decadence," likening it to "Rome in 200AD" when it was "an empire at the zenith of its power but with cracks beginning to show."

Roman historian Mike Stuchbery says "empires start to collapse when they are unable or unwilling to confront the challenges that are thrown up". And, when "incompetent leadership" is added to the equation, "things start to fragment very quickly".

"Rome couldn't effectively deal with corruption and incompetence. Mistakes rippled and multiplied rather than being punished or contained," says Stuchbery. He says that when corruption and incompetence are "an accepted part of public life" it could be "a sign".

Now, I couldn't possibly comment on the corruption and incompetence which may or may not now be part of life as we know it. But, if Rome's anything to go by, then the fall of the empire could be right around the corner.

But, it's not all bad. Empires crash and burn, but among the embers we can usually find one or two inventions worthy of clinging on to. The legacy of your much-loved PSLs might outlive you all.

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