【male auto-eroticism】

As the father of a nuclear family and male auto-eroticisma self-proclaimed Christmas enthusiast, I love celebrating the holidays with the people I love.

You can imagine my surprise, then, when I learned that many family members, friends and bipartisan leaders of the United States government were calling for an investigation on potential Russian hacking on my home. Much like Presdient-elect Trump and his transition team, however, I deny these charges and will not let the threat of foreign cyber influence on my home stop my family and I from enjoying the most wonderful time of the year.

SEE ALSO: Fill out this job application form to be considered for Trump's cabinet

Below, I've gathered a list of my favorite holiday traditions that have certainly not been influenced or hacked by Russians.

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1. Decorating my beautiful lawn

Decorating the front yard with seasonal lights is a great family activity. This year, my family chose to go a little more extravagant than other years. Word to the wise: be careful to not overload your circuit breaker -- ours exploded leaving the house with no power except the outdoor lights that are now blinking the Russian national anthem in morse code. Just a coincidence!

2. Shopping at small businesses in my town

Teaching the kids to support small businesses is important to me. That’s why I tried to buy all of our gifts at fair trade stores this year. That is, before my bank account sprung a leak! There is nothing but a big fat zero in my checking andsavings and when I called the bank about this they said, "It looks like it was Russian hackers that did this."

Ha! The idea that Russian hackers could potentially be doing this to me is a fanciful liberal pipe dream!

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3. Dressing up the dog

This is not Buddy! Credit: mashable composite, getty images, creative commons

Nothing is cuter than a dog wearing people clothes. We worked hard to create Buddy’s very own holiday sweater this year. Unfortunately, Buddy, our 9-year-old chocolate lab, is nowhere to be seen! The silly guy can be shy sometimes. There is, however, a 6 ft.-long, 1,500-pound confused Kodiak bear in our living room. Could this be a physical threat from Russian hackers that has put my children’s lives at risk? Not very likely!

4. Setting up a toy train

One of my earliest memories is setting up a train around the tree with my father on Christmas Eve. The nostalgia factor alone makes this tradition worth it. It’s most likely just a coincidence that this year, our toy train was stolen overnight and replaced with an exact to-scale replica of the Lastochka, a Russian high-speed electric train servicing Moscow and St. Petersburg. Is it possible that the home my family lives in is being targeted by Russian hackers? Nope!

5. Playing in the snow

Sometimes around the holidays we're lucky enough to get some snow to play in! Last night, no thanks to the Chinese hoax global warming, we had a huge snowfall! The kids must’ve been so excited that they woke up early to write "подчиниться" in the snow. This Russian word translates to submit/comply/conform/surrender. My little guys have a sense of humor! Not sure where they get it from!

6. Cutting down the Christmas tree

Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable

Finding the perfect tree is the least of our worries. Going tree hunting is all about family bonding. Studies show that families who make decisions together keep healthier relationships. As me and my son strapped our Douglas Fir on the roof of the sedan, we couldn’t help but notice a tall, pale man pointing at us. In a very distinct eastern European accent, he yelled, “Your family is not safe” and “We have hacked you several times.” He must’ve mistaken me for somebody else!

7. Going caroling

Nothing like spreading holiday cheer to your neighbors quite like caroling. Plus, the agent we’ve been assigned thinks we should stay away from the house as much as possible while the CIA does a full scale investigation. Silly!

8. Going into protective custody

The best part about holiday traditions is that you and your family can start new ones every year! They say the house isn’t safe anymore. I say hogwash!

9. Wearing matching pajamas

It can be fun and cute to buy matching nightwear for the family every year. It is a common tradition, unlike staying in a Motel 6 off of Baltimore Ave because your home is “without a doubt compromised.”

10. Sleeping with a gun

It’s not a Christmas tradition; it’s just for safety!

BONUS: What it's like to go home for the holidays